BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
You Might Also Like
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.