@robdelaney: "Bartender, see that brunette at the end of the bar? I'd like you to bring her a slice of your finest ham."
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@joshbupkes: that moment when football players come out of the locker room and realize they're all wearing the same thing again
@jonnysun: "it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?" yes i am. … "but i thougt u were gona say something unexp-- oh wow ur good"
@david8hughes: [son's football game] Other dad: which one's yours? Me: I can't remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over