King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
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People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Good morning y’all ☀️
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.