In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
You Might Also Like
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Feel. He’s so soft.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I’m good, thanks.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.