BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
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*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Never let them know your next move 😂
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?