BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
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Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”