BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
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[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
No. He’s not coming out to play
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT