Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
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My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
twitter users today:
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs