Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
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Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Had to try this trend 😊
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Any refunds available?…
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
A leaf blower, but for people.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
sigh