BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
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Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
*cough*
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.