Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
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Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
A duv-egg? In this economy?
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.