Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
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anyone else like Italian cereal
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
so much to do