Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
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Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Thinking about Jeff
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit