[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
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One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Hotels are back
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
That earthquake could have been an email.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.