me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
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So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
I am all good here, 😂😉
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
When he asks for feet pics
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.