What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
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Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song