Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
You Might Also Like
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
ouch
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human