@simoncholland: Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: Me: (squeezing into a gown) I'm so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children? Disney Store clerk: Yes.
@Ygrene: [Being murdered while eating a salad] Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don't let them find me like this
@Lowenaffchen: Glue a tiny mirror over your driver's license photo so when you hand it to the cops they get confused and start arresting themselves instead
@WeissBrandon: I'd never lie just to get a girl to sleep with me, is one of my favorite lies to tell girls that I am trying to sleep with.