@simoncholland: Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
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@KattsDogma: [New Job Diary] Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
@Mr_Kapowski: Me: I'm in the mood for dessert *winks at wife* [2 hours later] Wife: *in lingerie, texts* WHERE R U Me: *texts* Getting ice cream. Y?
@DamonHunzeker: If you're able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.