@simoncholland: Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
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@kyle_thatisall: How to make a Disney Pixar film: 1. Take something that doesn't talk 2. Make it talk
@shutupmikeginn: My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
@Playing_Dad: Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early? Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
@MarcusTheToken: I left some acorns in the spot where I killed a squirrel because I'm thoughtful. Also because a gang of squirrels burned a cross in my yard.