Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
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”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation