Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
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#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Autocarrot sucks!
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
wish me luck lads
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.