@TheCatWhisprer: Based on her reaction I don't think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
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@ScreaminZeman: I hate you more than the guy that raised his hand after the teacher said we could all go early if there are no more questions.
@amydillon: H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed? M: Actually... *stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours* M: That was amazing.
@bourgeoisalien: Is there an apology card for: Sorry I kidnapped your dog and made him run on a treadmill to power my toaster last week, or no?
@aidanjsears: [my funeral] PRIEST: dearly beloved... *respectful silence from guests* PRIEST: ...and steve ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve