Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
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LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.