@Cpin42: Based on his ability to hide poop, my cat would be the worst criminal of all time.
@AmberDonn: The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn't be sacrificed anytime soon.
@TheAlexP: * feels winds of change
* realizes it's just a hole in my shorts
@daemonic3: [cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
@Midgetspar: I love everybody. Even you, insecure person reading this hoping someone loves you ... even you.
@mrjohntofu: I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.