@lisaxy424: Based on how he reacts, you'd think my dog's entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like 'Loves Abortions Brenda' or 'Eats Her Feelings Julie'.
@abbycohenwl: Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is? T: No-[sees it's almost 3 pm] Magic
@stuckinaportal: [mastercard commercial] "there are some things that money can't buy" politician: i don't get it