@lisaxy424: Based on how he reacts, you'd think my dog's entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: One way to find out if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young, if they panic, you're old.
@BoozeWallet: [at gym] me: [wiping down equipment after finishing with it] cute girl: you don't have to do that with the vending machine. are you crying
@CrazyExhaustion: 5yo: What's a cannibal? Me: A person that eats another person. 5yo's eyes widen in horror. Me: You said cannonball, didn't ya?