@lisaxy424: Based on how he reacts, you'd think my dog's entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
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@VerifiedDrunk: Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I'm all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
@BreadFoster: Don't say "lets get weird" on our date then get freaked out I'm dressed in Forever 21 and holding your cousin hostage.
@samalmightysam: My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.