Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
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My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor