Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
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In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
nyc:
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.