Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
You Might Also Like
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
How it started How it’s going
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Simple enough.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant