Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
You Might Also Like
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.