@NervousJr: Based on how many times I've dropped my phone, I'm gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
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@sixthformpoet: The Pope is hardly the first person to lose interest in their real job so soon after joining Twitter.
@findmydolls: 78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60 My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other's backs.
@internetluke: [sees a zebra for the first time] What's up with that horse? [sees a giraffe for the first time] Okay, what the hell is going on today?
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Clean up your toys off the floor. 4-year-old: You have to clean, too. Me: They're your toys. 4: It's your floor.