@astutenewf: Based on how much my bones and joints pop when I work out, I'm pretty sure I'm 80% rice krispies.
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@XAIMMadellynne: Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep. He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
@DrDogMD: CAT: Can u check my blood pressure? DR DOG: *places cuff around cat's neck* Sure CAT: Shouldnt that go on m- DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
@DaddyJew: *sees Earth trending* *whispering to self* please don't be dead, please don't be dead, please don't be dead
@david8hughes: [board meeting] "So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?" "I call it the 'Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower'." "Uh no."