@SuperRandomish: Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
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@Home_Halfway: WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
@TyWebb1980: *Arrives at the barbers* "I'd like some highlights please" *Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
@cowyfwame: I just don't understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
@OtherDanOBrien: [a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now] TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip