@farleftcoast: Based on my calculations I can retire about 5 years after I die.
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@HatfieldAnne: We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
@dafloydsta: [marriage counseling] She thinks I make bad decisions "He hired a clown for my nana's funeral" PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
@causticbob: I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, "I don't know. I don't speak Chinese." Then when people ask me what it means...
@fro_vo: Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter Me: yes that's right Interviewer: where at Me: out in the lobby right before this interview