@brookeisgolden: Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl's, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
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@ZombieProblms: Do zombies go to heaven when they die? I hope so. There's lots of nice people up there to eat.
@Sean_Burgundy_: My gf always tells me to shower her with compliments, but when I woke her up with the hose while calling her beautiful she yelled at me
@joejwest: [judging dog show] DOG: [barks] ME: [ticks clipboard] This one's working fine AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what's required of you
@iwearaonesie: 9: Why are you hitting that spider? wife: I don't like spiders me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper* mother-in-law [leaving] I don't have to take this