Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
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If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Phones down.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.