Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
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murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Botany good plants lately?
Going to church you guys need anything
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
thanksgiving should be called feaster
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Vodka burrito was a success
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?