Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
You Might Also Like
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?