Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
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China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go