@E_lok44: Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I'm going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
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@TheMichaelRock: Being a parent to a teenager is basically like being an unpaid, under appreciated Uber driver.
@WheelTod: I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I'm terrible with dates.
@onelongbender: Dave is coming over. "Dave Wilson or Dave who thinks he's Spider-Man?" [loud thud on the roof] BACK DOOR IS OPEN, DAVE
@Matt_The_1st: Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.