Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
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Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.