Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
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[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.