Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
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Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)