me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
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what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Bootstraps
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black