@jnrbtsn: Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I'd say there's a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
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@trevso_electric: Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
@literally_is_me: All I'm saying is Sesame Street would be a lot more entertaining if Big Bird were a velociraptor.
@InternetHippo: [meeting her parents] GF (whispering): Please don't make a scene ME (angry-whispering): You told me there'd be cheese