LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
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Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck