Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
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marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.