Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
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The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
selena gomez
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.