@ReginaldDennys: Based on the number of nurses on twitter, I now know why I'm bleeding to death in the ER.
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@lovemydogduck: My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won't be going back.
@AntozWolf: Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
@FrogAvalanche: 911: Whats ur emergency? "OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-" 911: Ma'am, this is an emergency only service- "-of my sons mouth."
@Amusitr0n: [clenching fists] "I'll fight someone" Waiter: For the last time sir, 'cheese plate' describes the items on the plate not the plate itself