A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
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[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
☺️
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
White Castle for the Win
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.