Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
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Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
LOL
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.