Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
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I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*