Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
You Might Also Like
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
I think my mom just blocked me
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.