@closetoclassy: Based on the things my kid will and won't eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
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@iwearaonesie: me: Should I pack condoms? wife*laughs* me*driving* wife*still laughing* me*checks into the hotel* wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
@matt___nelson: *walks up to dealer* I would like 3 weeds please "Are you a cop?" No I love crime and tomfoolery "..." Could I also get a bushel of cocaine?
@batkaren: Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
@: [Changes Siri to male] ME: Siri, tell me the— MALE SIRI: Listen, here’s what you need to know. ME: I… MALE SIRI: Excuse me, I’m speaking