Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
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Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.