Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
somebody come look at this
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.