Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
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POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?