12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
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*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.