Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
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Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.