Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
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I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.