Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
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If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.