I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
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*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals